3 Wives

Three Wives is a bit of a farce. It has some roots in reality- I really do have an acquaintance in Texas who lives in a small town in the hill country.

He has three ex-wives who routinely meet for breakfast and compare notes, looking for
evidence of an increase in his income, whose turn it is to take him back to court, or some other method of making his life worse.

To be fair, he inspires this sort of behavior in almost everyone he knows.

Luckenbach Diner

Fredericksburg, TX

“I think I hear her now,” said Sissy. In the distance, a 1972 Dodge Charger R/T 440 Big Block V8 howled as Felicity tried to get airborne over the railroad tracks.

“That’s our girl,” said Jen with a grimace.

“Your girl, maybe,” Sissy growled.

A waitress wordlessly poured a third cup of coffee.

The charger whipped into the parking lot. Tires spun as Felicity Cantrell backed into a space. Nobody looked up.

Felicity banged through the door and straight to the ex-wives table, “Y’all won’t believe this! Janet says his real name is Chester!”

“Oh, I believe it,” Said Jen, “What about his last name?”

“Arbuckle”

“’Chester Arbuckle’? huh,” laughed Jen, “Long way to Terrance Joplin from there, ain’t it? What else did she say?”

“She says his credit score went up ten points since May.”

A dark silence descended.

“How the hell did that happen?” asked Sissy.

“I’ll bet he got Chappy to pay him some of it under the table when he did their deck in July,” suggested Felicity. Knowing nods went around the table. She continued, “I’m hungry what are y’all having?”

“Breakfast Tortillas,” Said Sissy

“I think Janet wants out of our ‘arrangement’,” said Felicity, “She says they’re going to start using tracking software at the agency and that she’d get in trouble if she can’t explain why she keeps looking him up.”

“The truth should be good enough, I’d think. He’s a passive-aggressive asshole and should be under our thumbs for the rest of his life,” said Jen, “I’m going with chorizo. How ‘bout you, Felicity?”

“I dunno. Tortillas sound good. I’ll go with a few. I’ll see what I can do at the Workers Rehab clinic, maybe keep doing background checks on him there or something.”

“Didn’t you just start there, like on Tuesday?” asked Sissy.

“Nah, that was Armadillo Work Force. Now I’m at Worker’s Rehab over by the airport.”

Sissy had just to ask, “How do you keep doing that? I mean, hopping around all the time?”

“Oh honey, this is the great state of Texas, where under the laws of Workers Comp, a Chiropractors opinion has the same weight as a Medical Doctor’s opinion and the same weight as a Nurse Practitioner’s opinion, namely me. I cost the clinics about as much as the Chiropractor but come with less paperwork, and if I say so myself, I’m easy on the eye.”

Felicity’s cell sounded the opening notes of the “William Tell Overture”. She grabbed the phone as the first two rolled their eyes.

“Yes, that’s right,” she said sweetly into the phone, then sharply “What? Which foot? God damn it, tell that miserable pendejo to put the brace back on his left foot! Right now, is when. That state bitch ain’t gonna wait forever- I’m on the way!”

Standing up, Felicity said, “Gotta run, Girls! Let’s try again tomorrow!” and banged out the door.

Please feel free to post comments, or if it’s more personal, You can email me at: warrington@wlwilliams.com